A practical guide to having a healthy relationship with our digital lives and social media
While still having fun, adding and getting value through our screens
In my previous Substack letter, I told you how I feel about screens (in a nutshell: I love them) and what issues I have uncovered lately with my technology-using habits.
Some things have been working for me for years in creating healthy boundaries with my digital tools. Let’s start with those as they are tried and true methods that I can build on my new chapter with screens and I believe they can inspire you, too, if you have the same-ish issues I do.
Turn off notifications
I turned off most of the sound notifications on my phone almost a decade ago. There are things that I want to know instantly, but really, just a few. And then there are the rest. Those can wait for me when I decide to pick up my phone and check them when I’m interested.
At this point, the only things I have a sound notification enabled for are my incoming calls, my Viber messages (as my partner contacts me here most of the time and I’d like to know about that), and the new purchase notification of my online shop (because I have a slight time pressure on those in some cases because I could not automate a tiny little but important thing, but it is a rare occasion when I need to act on it). I don’t even have beeping for text messages anymore. Because nothing urgent ever happens via text in my world.
So do you see what I did here? I chose those that were important to me and left the rest behind.
I also use very few on-screen notifications as well. I don’t want to see how many new incoming emails I have or events on any other application. I will check it when I’m there. That’s my policy.
Because of the latter I had and still have some issues with Instagram though, because there are times I open the app compulsively to check if I have new messages and comments on a particular post or story… But I’m on it and we will talk about it later in this letter.
No ‘friends’ on Facebook
You ‘heard’ it right, I do not have ANY friends on Facebook.
There was a day, like 8 or 9 years ago when I decided to delete myself from there as it was not the place anymore that I loved beforehand. But by that time we were Facebook friends with several managers at the company I was working for and also with my mum. If you’ve been on Facebook before 2015ish, you know why it was a big change…
A few years later I created a new account because you just can’t have no Facebook account if you run an online business, or have a kid in kindergarten (yes, we communicate through Facebook with parents and even teachers), also the marketplace is a good thing for selling and buying 2nd hand items.
So I’m back, but I have no friends over there and spend very little time on the platform, therefore I have no issues with it screen time, dopamine addiction, or otherwise.
Keep the good ones, let go of the rest
For the past 9 years, I have practiced minimalism, and it became clear to me what platforms I wanted to use and how they are adding value to my life. So those I happily keep.
This is not the place where you will hear to delete your apps and go offline for a month or a lifetime. I believe in a more gentle but definite and mindful approach.
The emphasis is on being mindful. What is adding value to YOUR life? That is the biggest question. And then the HOW.
A big part of this is not jumping into new apps unless I really feel the urge to and when I try new things I still change my mind and leave them often. This is how it happened that I had TikTok for like 5 minutes on my phone. And during the delayed start of Threads in Europe, I had time to think through if I wanted to join and by the time it finally became available in the EU, I just was not interested in it anymore.
Unsubscribe, unfollow
This is a big one! I only subscribe to and follow those people and businesses, who I am genuinely interested in. Anything else is a big no-no for me. This, by the way, mostly solves the algorithm problem, because when you don’t follow several hundreds or thousands of accounts, those few who you are interested in will be shown to you more often than not.
One can be enough
Let’s talk about streaming services! I have a habit of having just one streaming service in my life at once. I sometimes switch them around, if there is a new TV show I want to watch (well, I love my TV shows, what can I say?), then I stick around for a while, and after some time I switch again.
How many subscriptions do you have?
Conscious content consumption
I learned over the past 6 years since I’ve become a mom and time and my energy became even harder to manage than before, that no matter how much valuable and interesting content is out there, overconsuming them instead of taking time in between to process what I read or heard is overwhelming and not helpful at all.
Also, it is really important to choose wisely the content we consume. For me, there is one kind of banned content of all time: the news. Being an HSP (highly sensitive person), I just can’t deal with the news. It makes me anxious. And believe me, I still know more about what’s happening in the world, than I‘d like to. I’m not missing out on anything important for sure. But of course, it is up to a debate what one considers important…
Intentional silence
With our phones always in our pockets, cordless earphones, podcasts, YouTube videos, and audiobooks, there can be so much ‘noise’ in our lives that silence can be a rare and hard thing to experience. When I realized this, I started to intentionally add silent periods to my days.
While cleaning the house, getting ready in the morning, or taking a shower at night, I rarely ever watch or listen to anything. I used to. And it was too much. So I deliberately chose silence over information. Because it makes my mind a more calm place. You know, having time with yourself and your thoughts, is greatly inspiring.
No screens before bed
Yep, that is a big one for me. Would it be for you as well?
It was hard to implement this change, probably the hardest. I used to be on my computer or phone for who knows how many years before sleeping. But now (most of the time) instead, I choose books.
Also, I have no phone or computer in the bedroom at night time. I purchased an alarm clock with no snooze button for the occasions I need to wake up at a specific time, so I have no excuse to keep my phone next to my bed anymore. And guess what! It is perfectly capable of charging by itself in another room. Who would have thought?
Finding the why of too much screen time
As I see I have certainly come a long way with my screens in the past ten years. But still, there are cases where I’m not in the driver's seat but they are instead. And I don’t want that anymore.
So the question is which behavior do I find OK and which not? And why do I engage in the ‘not OK’ behaviors so much?
I looked into myself and it was not hard to find the answer in my case. My compulsive Instagram and e-mail checking came from one source: the desire to catch that one message, that one order (in my little slow fashion online shop), that like, that viral post, that will change everything and finally make my business successful. Spoiler alert: that never happened. And I know, it never will.
I have known this for at least a year or more. And slowly processed the whole realization. So much so that I do believe now what I just wrote down previously. I truly believe that it is not just about the one thing that happens and then your business will be a success overnight.
BUT. I became so accustomed to the whole idea that I still operate from that ‘I just need one miracle’ mindset. Additionally, I have this thing when my fingers live their own lives and tap on Instagram or my emails before I know it.
I’ve been trying to catch myself in the last few weeks while thinking and doing the above two. I became better at it. Still not in the best place, but making real progress. And I believe it will work out for me.
The other thing I noticed in the past two weeks, since my last Substack came out and I started to closely observe my screen usage, that there is such thing for me as too much Netflix or YouTube. Even though I love them, I feel bad after consuming more than a set amount of them. I guess this is another ‘who would have ‘thought’ moment... Well, everybody!
And then there is my business of course… Which I love. And I intend to add as much value through it as I possibly can. Because that is who I am and what I do. But things you love and value can be just as overdone and tiring as much as the next thing.
I work on my computer and also many times on my phone. I run my slow fashion online shop, I write these days more and more often on my Hungarian blog, and here as well, I create my YouTube videos and there is Instagram, where I connect with many wonderful people. And this is all great! I intentionally choose these things over and over again because I love them and believe in them.
But I noticed that no matter how much I enjoy working on a topic, how good it feels, and how good it flows, I can lose myself in it and do too much of it… Just rolling with ideas and the flow and being happy and productive and loving what I do and then suddenly there I am: depleted and not capable of doing anything almost ‘cos I’m just so over everything. I don’t say it happens every time I start to work on something. But it happens enough times to be an issue for me for sure.
So now that the current problem areas are identified, let’s roll on to the solution part!
The how of reducing screen time
Things I’m planning to do from now on to have a healthy relationship with my screens…
Accessing apps via computer instead of my phone more times than not
I read this advice in Cal Newport’s book Digital Minimalism and I really would like to give this a try!
My problem apps on my phone are Instagram and my email inbox. So the plan is to get into the habit of opening them on my computer more.
Also, it is an important thing to not look into them just to take a look when I have a few free minutes. I only would like to check my Insta and my emails with the intention that I want to answer messages now, because I have time and I’m in the right headspace, or when I want to write an email or a post.
I would also like to dedicate some intentional time to reading newsletters, Substacks, and posts of all the wonderful people out there because I genuinely care about what they are saying. This is why I’m subscribed to and/or following them.
Reasonable work hours in a day even if I have more time or I’m in a good rhythm
I’m going to be observing myself and my working behavior. I will look out for signs when I start to get tired or when enough is enough. I will create boundaries for myself to help me stop working and also be happy with what I created but not be overly exhausted and depleted to the point I can not function well after. Yep, this will be a real challenge! But I’m here for it.
Prioritizing reading over Netflix and YouTube
This does not mean I will not watch my beloved YouTube videos or TV shows. I most definitely will. Because, have I mentioned, I love my screens?
You see, I don’t find a big issue with this part. Do I probably watch too much of them? Yes. Do I realize it? Yes. Can I stop that and have a healthy relationship with this part of my digital life? I believe so. So from now on I will prioritize books over screens as a resting activity.
Books as alternative ‘screens’
I started reading regularly when I banned my screens from the evenings about 2 and a half or maybe 3 years ago. And ever since I love my books! Well, most of them at least.
Unfortunately to this day my urge to look at my phone or computer still comes more often and more by default than my urge to read my books. After all, books were not made to be addictive meanwhile, apps were created with the exact thing in mind. They want you to pick up your devices as often as possible and then to be hooked into some unintentional scrolling preferably for hours…
I don’t know much about addiction, but I can feel I have an unhealthy relationship with something here. I didn’t mind it at first. Because it is a great escape and switching off opportunity from life and all of my issues and the countless great ideas and creative thoughts I have. Which is nice to have on hand.
But then I started to feel the downside of it all. By the time I write these lines, I feel utterly miserable many times and I know there is a connection between my beloved screens and my misery. I don’t say they are to blame for everything, because that simply would not be true. After all, I came to my screens for remedy from my other issues in the first place. But I can feel that this is one of the good places to start healing, among many other bits and pieces in my life where I also try to make myself healthier and happier.
Things I will be focusing on instead of doom scrolling and mindless screen usage
Spending time with loved ones without the need to check in online
When having 5-10 minutes between activities, not taking out my phone
Cuddling with my cat
Finding time to sit still in the garden with my bare feet on the ground
Cooking
Journaling on real paper with a real pen
Taking a walk
Doing yoga
Riding my bike
Meditating
Gardening
Making our home pretty
Cleaning
Decluttering
Dreaming
Lighting a candle
Making a tea
Playing the piano (OK, I do this one with an app, as I am self-learning and very much a beginner, but I will not count this one as a screen for now, haha)
Going out to hear live music and eat good food
Finishing up the scarf I started to knit last winter
Making space for myself in my life
Just being
So what do you think? How should we do this? I’d love to read your thoughts!
Love,
Nora